A Letter: Dearest Seattle

Dear Seattle,

Take the rain back to your side of the country! We've had just about enough.

Very truly yours,
Boston

P.S. 5 inches in the next two days? Is that normal even for the pacific northwest?

On Notice: New England Rain

I'm officially putting the current weather, formally named New England Rain, on notice. Holy crap, you didn't even know there was such a thing as New England rain, did you? Allow me to educate the masses -- and if you're living in New England and don't have any rain -- I shall be more specific: Massachusetts, Boston, outside, all the time . . . rain, rain, rain.

New England rain is the antithesis of New England snow (see entry On Notice: New England Snow) in that the winter time's NE snow would cause slippery sidewalks, late commutes, school closings, and hot coffee cravings. Instead -- because it's summer now -- NE rain causes spots on my glasses, frizzy hair, sleepiness and depression. It's much more internalized because you can complain about the absolute shittiness of it, but you don't actually see the rain pile up (whereas snow piles up and stays there forever) so your complaints aren't real. You're just sick of it, not necessarily hindered by it . . . unless you're planning an outdoor bbq.

I haven't done the math, but I do believe that since I bought my car on April 6th of this year, I've driven it more in the rain than in sun or clouds. I've used my windshield wipers 3 times as much as I've used the air conditioner. I don't recall the last time it was 70s/80s and sunny. And you cannot say that hot and rainy is any consolation, hot + rainy = muggy, humid, fan in your face weather. It is not pleasant.

Therefore, in order to save the red sox from rain delays and keep my pants and glasses dry, I propose we create a bubble. This bubble will encompass the entire Boston area. Attached to the inside top of the bubble will be a fake sun (better for skin). The bubble will shield the city and people from all rain and various unpleasant droppings from the sky (spaceships, asteroids, bird poop) while keeping away humidity at a temperature-controlled 75 degrees.

It's going to be a hit, I just know it. Of course, until they get that up and running, I'm stuck with frizzy hair and a jacket -- a jacket!!! in June!!!

Dead to Me: See-through Shirts

What is the purpose of a see-through shirt, really? And why would I pay such prices for things that have to be worn with other things? I'm on the banana republic website, trying to figure out if the shirt is made of the same material that is usually see-through. And then when I reluctantly buy the shirt, I stand in front of a mirror with all the lights on. Is it see-through? No? But sorta? Why sorta? Wtf?

And so maybe I was late to the party, but the BR website does provide an indicator of when a shirt is or isn't. The least see-through is called 'opaque' and the most is called 'complete waste of your money since you have to wear something under it always'. So I'm buying opaque, when necessary. And I'm still standing in front of the mirror with all the lights on thinking 'oh great, you can see my bra!'. But you can't really. But maybe you can.

My mother has no idea why girls my age care about seeing the bra. She says 'at least you're wearing a bra!'. What does that have to do with it? Ugh, so it's my pet peeve. See-through shirts. Why? What's the purpose? I don't like camisoles.

On Notice: The Twilight Obsession

Anything that could lead to the phrase 'omg vampires that glow are so hawt!' needs to be discarded. This is not the Harry Potter craze, these are females ages 10-30 who are screaming (like 'Ashlee Simpson concert'-type screaming) for a 30-second trailer of a movie that shows a kiss and a werewolf.

I haven't read the books and I really don't want to read them. I also don't plan on ever watching the movies. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but when 14 year olds are going around, wishing their boyfriends were vampires that glowed, that's a problem.

Can't people just watch True Blood? Why does that not satisfy your vampire craving? That Robert Pattison guy isn't even cute . . . and who cares if he's dating the girl? Ugh.

Question: When did Award shows get so horrible?

It must've been sometime at the end of high school or beginning of college when I just stopped watching award shows. Not even the Golden Globes could pull me in for the full 3 (or 4?) hours and those are usually the fun ones. Doesn't help that I haven't seen any of the movies nominated, don't watch 30 Rock (which, apparently, is the gift from god) and can't really bring up the fake tears for an "in memoriam" to Heath Ledger. And it's not even the speeches that are horrible, it's the presenters. It's reading things off the television prompt and having awkward conversations about film editing that drag on and on.

Tonight, I watched the first ten minutes of the Grammy's and almost took my eye out with a spoon. It was that bad. Remember when The Rock was a wrestler and an almost-actor with that weird eyebrow thing? Well, now he goes by some other name and makes lame jokes on award shows. I'm still not sure what he was doing there; I didn't stick around long enough to find out if he was the host and would keep torturing people. I watched Coldplay then gave up. I'm not sure I saw any actual awards.

Maybe this is partly my fault. I've gotten more picky in my old age and therefore, don't like spending my time watching or listening to things that have no relevance whatsoever. It's why I can't watch MTV award shows either, and those used to be the fun fun times. Yeah, no more. Just lame. Giving awards to people who are younger than me -- what do those Jonas Brothers actually sing? They're like Hanson, is that it? Things must be coming full circle to when I was in 7th grade and obsessed with music and movies. Ahhh memories.

On Notice: New England Snow

I'm putting this winter's snow on notice officially. I know we've complained about it forever, but I'm starting to believe that it has been particularly horrible this year.

Snow, you suck, we hate you. You bring us no joy. You bring us traffic and delays and disabled trains and slippery sidewalks mixed with soggy pants and UGG knockoffs that need 29 hours to dry out. And when you do decide to grace us with your magnanimous presence, you do so on the weekends. The weekends! Snow + weekends = shitty social life because I don't want to drive in that. I don't even want to clean off my car until Monday morning.

Look, snow, if you're going to be around until May, just please be considerate to those who don't get off from work/school every time a flake falls from the heavens. The ground rules will now include, but are not limited to:

• Snow in the short amount of time after the morning commute but before the evening commute.

• Warm and sunny weather in the morning to get rid of the snow that turns into ice that makes it slippery.

• No slushy stuff.
  

• Snow must come already packaged with the sidewalk salt stuff.
  

• No wind. Isn't it already enough that it's cold and snowing? Do I really need the wind too?

I think everyone will be happier if snow takes these rules into consideration and implements them immediately.

Thank you.

A Letter: Dearest DELL Computers

Dear DELL,

I enjoy all the promotional emails you send me. I can't say that for all the other ones I receive, but yours are colorful and informative and dammit, they make me want to buy a new computer. And sometimes I get so close that I am literally on your website, customizing a laptop that fits my needs. It's all going swell; who doesn't smile at instant price reductions and free 2-day shipping?

But then my cloud 9 status disappears. What is this? Vista? No. Never. But then I'd have to pay more to get XP pre-installed? No. Never. This is terrible. This is why I've refused to get serious about buying new. It's a shame because it's not your fault, DELL, but the harsh reality is that I -- like millions of people -- do not want to get stuck with Vista on their great new computer. And they don't want to have to spend more just to have XP (which I already have) already loaded.

So here's the thing: until Vista is removed from your customization page and replaced with Windows 7, you won't be getting a purchase out of me. I'm sorry. It's Microsoft's fault, yes, because even they acknowledged you were all guinea pigs for Vista and that everything wrong with it is now corrected in W7. And this recession doesn't help, but I sure do hope you stick around for another 18 months to reap the benefits of a good operating system on your great computers.

By all means, keep sending me the promotional emails. I'm loving the idea of a mini-DELL and if I didn't have my iPhone, I'd be all over that (in a year, when it's doing things W7-style). But I'm only looking, I'm not buying.

Again, I'm sorry, but this is just how things have to be. I refuse to deal with Microsoft and the shit they send out and the prices and the shotty marketing with television commercials that are dumb and don't fix basic problems. I would move to a Mac if I could, but something is holding me back (is it you, DELL? is it YOU?).

Good Luck and have a good day.

You, Sudafed, you!

And people wonder why I've said no to drugs and cigarettes my whole life. Like that time I was being pressured into smoking weed (yes, kids, it was just like those after-school specials) and I laughed it off that I'd probably become addicted like I am with television shows. Turns out, I don't even need the illegal stuff to get completely fucked up, I can just take Sudafed.

Now, it doesn't happen to everybody so I'm not warning off Sudafed completely; it's just me who's now not allowed to take it. More specifically, the pseudoephedrine and phenylephrine that are used to make Sudafed. Nasal decongestants can, apparently, kill me. Good to know, I'll write that one down.

How does it happen, you ask? Slowly. Very slowly. The first time I took Sudafed was at the end of last May. I took it for a cold because the doctor told me to. I didn't start using it for shits and giggles or like a, 'hey, wonder what Sudafed can do to me?'. Nope, totally innocent me just went to the doctor to make sure I didn't have strep throat. Least of my worries, that stupid strep throat.

I don't know how many colds you're supposed to have in a year, but I have started to get more due to being in an office environment, constantly around people all the time with nowhere else to go. I felt a cold coming on while I was in Michigan (you were in Michigan? Yes, I was) so I took Sudafed to try to keep the overall symptoms at bay. I was also starting to feel really crappy otherwise, which I thought was just the cold starting off. So it wasn't. Who knew?

The only reason I was weirded out was because as I walked to work from the train station, I'd have a really tough time walking at my normal pace. I walk fast, as my mother says, so the fact that I could no longer walk that fast without having to catch my breath definitely scared me. I also felt like there was something in my lungs, whether it was congestion or whatever else could be in there. Eventually I'd be able to catch my breath and my breathing would get better, but I did not feel 100 percent at all. I was sluggish, tired; I had trouble going up the stairs in my house. I didn't sleep at night because being on my stomach affected my breathing and I just coughed all night. I couldn't sleep on my back at all, there was something in my lungs that preventing me from doing that position.

It was a Tuesday after work that I asked my mom to take me to the emergency room. I had just come home and was coughing horribly, not breathing right, and I'd basically had enough. Whether it was laryngitis or asthma or whatever, I just wanted the medicine to make it better. The ER (not a real ER, if we want to be honest; they were horrible and screwed up my insurance information) took my blood pressure first thing . . . 205/153. Guess what? That's high. Ridiculously high if you want to compare it to a normal, 120/80. They took a chest X-ray and found my heart to be twice the size it should've been, working at 20 percent, and I had a lot of fluid in my lungs (no shit! definitely explained my congestion problems).

I was put in ICU overnight and my mother had me transferred the next day to MGH. It had to be done. Even if the original hospital had been able to help my mom all those years ago, I was a different case altogether. It wasn't normal for a 25-year old to have these symptoms and it wasn't okay that they weren't doing all they could to get my blood pressure down. Plus, everyone my mother talked to told her to get me out of there.

I stayed in MGH for about a week. I didn't sleep, I stayed in a room with some crazy people, had to deal with some annoying residents intent on solving my case, and left without a true diagnosis and a few medicines to keep my blood pressure normal.

It wasn't until a month later that the cardiologist told me that they were thinking it was the Sudafed. There had been a few (read: not many) cases of this happening, but since both of my parents also had high blood pressure, I was probably already predisposed to it and the Sudafed kicked it into gear. Awesome, thanks. Otherwise, hey, I'm in pretty good health. My kidneys are working fine and my heart is now back to normal size and working at about the percentage it's supposed to, around 46 percent.

I should point out that before going to the ER, I had tried to get an appointment with my primary care doctor. The first time, she was on vacation; they second time, she was booked until the Thursday I was in the hospital. So it's not like I didn't try. My only other option was going to the doctor who gave me the Sudafed. Really, no thanks, I already didn't like him.

I have another appointment with the cardiologist in a few weeks, so hopefully things will check out and I'll maybe not have to deal with as many pills as I have. I don't know. I'm kind of young to be lugging around a pill box for high blood pressure.

One of Life's Questions . . .

Not that I really want to see more of Charlie Gibson and Diane Sawyer wax poetic about Ted Kennedy pushing a chair aside onstage but . . . why must there be commercial interruption during the Democratic Convention? They're only showing an hour of coverage and it's not like the tradition of our representative democracy is getting in the way of their new fall lineup (seriously, Dancing with the Stars needs a 3-night premiere???).

On Notice: American Eagle Outfitters

Why is it that every time I love something, it has to go away and never return? This time around, it's the American Eagle Stretch Skinny Flare jean line. These jeans? Amazing. Not too low in the back, not too wide at the flare, had an amazing silhouette (I thought, which is really all that matters). So I did what any normal person who just discovered something amazing at an affordable price does: I stocked up in whatever colors and styles they had. I mean, sure, over time I noticed they had less of a selection . . . but I thought it was just a seasonal thing! They would have to come back eventually, right? Right? Why mess with such a popular product?

Skinny flares don't go out of style; they're a cross between boot cut, flare, and those stupid skinny things that just won't die. So I ask you: why? Why, American Eagle, why do you continue to ruin my life? You continuously bring back those horrible Artist jeans and the friggin Boyfriend jean -- not comfortable no matter how many guys have worn them before me. Your sales have gone down and your stock is plummeting but you refuse to bring back the stuff that made you popular? It's the jeans, stupid! Give me something I don't feel uncomfortable in, where my ass doesn't hang out the back and the pant legs hit the ground so there's just enough drag.

The New-ness of a clean slate

I deleted the original blog at this site. I was going to just leave it be but I missed blogging so . . . it's back. For now, at least. I don't know how long it'll stick around.